Apple Says ……..

Apple says, read that with the tone our teachers used when we all played Simon Says! This was a post I wrote long back when Apple maps first started drowning people, found it while sanitizing my hard drive! I don’t know how relevant it is now, but back then I had fun writing it!

 

Indian Government Bans Apple Maps

 

After months of repeated complaints from the general public about people drowning in rivers and falling of cliffs due to faulty directions from Apple Maps the government has finally decided to stop the use of the brilliantly engineered solution for killing ones near and dear to us. This has come as an early New Year gift to many, although we are yet to confirm if there was any inside pressure from a different reason for the same outcome.

The hype created over the amazing capabilities of the new version of the famous IOS and the new device capabilities back in May last year prompted the assembly to get iPhone and iPad for each and every legislative member to help them be more productive. The members were really happy with their gifts back then, as now they had a new reason for not being present at the parliament during sessions. One might wonder how this was possible? Given the bleak attendance of the members at the session, one may say they might not possibly know the route back and forth to the venue. One of the members under the promise of anonymity on paper said this to Faking News exclusively,  “One day I got up at 4:00 in the morning and got ready for the parliament session at 10:00 later that day but then I used Apple Maps and ended up in Lahore instead of the parliament”, he added that, he actually thanks Maps for its failure as he got to meet Pakistan’s home minister instead and shared a good evening with tea and biscuits.

Many incidents were reported all across India, mostly involving cars trying to climb buildings in reverse gear and people trying to play cricket on a stadium, which was a lake! The Sri Lankan cricket team, which toured India late last year was disgusted with its experience in Kolkata after the driver of the bus to the stadium used Apple Maps and ended up reaching Sourav Ganguly’s house instead where he was valiantly swinging clothes, which was later explained as Ganguly’s daily task allotted to him by his wife! After a good laugh at his plight and being eye tortured of seeing him without clothes the team left for the stadium and used Google Maps on its way instead.

One couple from Bangalore reported that their Apple Maps was the God for them as it got them together! The story behind this was quite unique, the man was searching for Satan after he had lost his job and lost his faith on god and the woman was searching for a pastime, as she was a housewife! One day the man had gotten so frustrated that he tried searching for Satan on his iPhone that he had robbed from his boss before being thrown out and it showed him to the woman’s house where they shared a moment of silence in deep eye connection and instantly fell in love. The couple had then eloped and left a note to the husband that they were going to Hyderabad and that the woman was truly sorry for leaving him. Till date the husband (from Lithuania) has been trying to get to Hyderabad using the same Apple Maps! Well we know how that search is going to end up.

What was surprising about this ban is that, this was the only software that could make our honorable prime minister speak! It used to irritate him so much; he used to swear at it all the time! Rumor has it that he once searched for “Silent Valley” on his swanky new iPhone 5 and it guided him to Voice Training Institute! Given it made the most silent people come out of their shells and VOICE out their concerns, this ban should not have been made.

 

Cheers!

Your Funny Reporter

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