Rohit ditches Maggi!

From Maggi to Haleem, the rise to glory has happened in the ongoing series against Australia for the stylish batsmen Rohit Sharma who had been under performing till date. As per reports last week when Rohit breached the 100 mark it was said that 100,000 kilos of Maggi got burnt and was thrown because of his long innings. Post that event, people have started using Rohit innings as timer for pulav and fried rice, but today has changed the equation involving the length of Rohit’s innings and the kind of food being cooked.

  Haleem the popular dish that is generally available in abundance in the party town of hyderabad during the month of ramzan, requires a very long cooking time. Seeing the recent innings that saw Maggie boy getting to a 200 the hyderabad Haleem association has decided to use his innings as a tool to measure cooking time for the mouth watering dish.

Sehwag has to be used as an example of caution with which the Haleem association would have to spend money and follow the new time calculation mechanism. Sehwag since his 219 in 2011 has been putting Maggi to cook and coming out to bat and returning to the dressing room on time to eat it. Even worse now he is sitting and making Maggi for the rest of the Indian team since he doesn’t have a spot in the playing 11 or the next in line 15 players!

  This innings has also spelt the end of ex Indian opener Gautam Gambhir who has since decided to buy a part of the equity offered by the Haleem association of hyderabad!

Man Becomes rich after falling into pothole

Pothole menace in Bangalore is a huge issue with people falling into these huge craters everyday! Last evening a man however made a fortune after falling into one of the deep potholes on Tin Factory road connecting OMR and Ring road, he had hit oil. He was driving a 30 wheel tanker lorry with an extended trailer when all of a sudden the whole vehicle disappeared from the road, after 30 minutes of frantic searching by the locals who thought they had witnessed a David Blaine trick they found the driver climb out of deep hole in the road and shout in joy. He was covered in a black slimy liquid which was later discovered to be oil! Yes you heard it right, Bangalore has oil and the credit for the discovery goes to the driver and partly to the mayor of Bangalore for refusing to close the potholes.

   The government of Karnataka has approved an award of 10 crores to the driver for discovering oil. The ecstatic driver in an exclusive interview with the unreal times said that he was overjoyed with his new found wealth and would like to watch a movie at a theater in Bangalore, it has been his childhood dream he said. He was unable to afford a movie in the IT city all these days. The driver Mr Viyunduthan Oilingam hails from Jamnagar where his father works with the reliance refineries, no wonder oil discovery runs in his blood, rather oil runs in the holes he falls into. He has 1 wife and 3 kids who are all very proud of him, Gujarat CM NaMo personally visited the family and said that Viyunduthan belongs to Gujarat and will be given a palace in Ahemedabad. NaMo seems to be trying to hide the oil discoverer for his personal uses in the future.

  Bangalore will now have a huge boost in terms of economy, also the initial cost for setting up and digging a oil well has already been avoided thanks to the 300m deep potholes in bangalore. The mayor has ordered all potholes to be dug into deep and look for presence of oil. Initial estimates suggest that there is enough oil to fuel Bangalore and the rest of South India for another 1243 years. The IT city may now buy out Hosur from Tamil Nadu to expand Electronic city to ‘fuel’ further development. The mayor has been congratulated by all governments who are now ready to clean his shoes for a share of the oil to develop their own states.

  Arnab Goswami has also signed up exclusive television rights to interview the pothole that is now credited with the availability of oil. The nation would definitely like to know if the pothole has any other rich neighbours from whom we can steal all the oil and further screw up tin factory road. Manmohan Singh  when asked about what plans he had to exploit this new discovery, said “… . ……… . . .. “.

  Following this breaking news other states have also decided to invite Mr Viyunduthan to discover oil. All cities have been ordered by the supreme court to stop repairing the roads, in fact no new roads can be laid as per this law with immediate effect. Kanpur is pegged to be the next oil exploration zone since it doesn’t seem to have any roads at all.

IT Professional gets the pink slip for slipping some pink stuff from work!

The soaring Onion prices have claimed yet another victim, this time news coming in from Bangalore that Mr Vengayam Madaya a Senior Programmer at one of the most reputed IT firms in Bangalore has been sacked. The reason being that he had been consistently getting a box everyday to take onions made available at the lunch buffet that is offered by the company as a complimentary meal everyday.

   The food caterer found that everyday 300-400 gm of onion was missing after the first round of lunch being served. This had been going on for the last 32 days and the caterer could not bear the loss of 16 kilos of onion! He complained to the company management and company then reviewed tapes and found the suspect taking loads of cut onion and putting it in the box and running away. To put matters to an end, they planned to catch the onion victim in action, they succeeded and caught him pink handed, sorry red handed.

  Mr Vengayam pleaded and promised to grow onion bulbs at home and return all the onions as soon as possible, the company security officials turned a deaf ear to the requests and terminated his employment. Mr Vengaya was seen in tears, it is not clear if he was crying or it was the onion that he had managed to grab and put in his pocket before being confronted earlier today.

   Mr Vengayam is from a family of 4, his wife and 2 sons who are working in hotels as managers. The hotels have now put a watch on the sons to prevent them from following their father’s footsteps. His Wife Mrs Vengayam is inconsolable again it is not clear if the onions were to blame for the tears rushing down her fluffy cheeks. She says they will now make onion pakodas and sell it on the streets to IT professionals so that the onion when being friend feels the pain they feel right now.

BCCI is Hiring

News has just arrived that BCCI has put up a job opening in the Indian cricket team. Owing to the way our bowlers are getting hit, especially Ishant Sharma, the head pontif Srinavasan has made up his mind to get things in order. The job description states that every time the ball goes flying out of the park the new hire should fetch the ball and throw it back. This is specially needed because ICC has added a rule saying only 10 new balls can be taken in a match and ishant Sharma and Co have been bowling so well that at least 20 balls are lost per match and around 18 go out of shape due to the terrific force with which stupid deliveries by Indian pacemen is being hit.

When Srinavasan was asked why he doesn’t get new bowlers instead, he stated he cannot start a breeding center to get bowlers made to specification. He also hinted that the new hire might be used for ball exchange Pardhe ke peeche. Since Bhuveneshwar Kumar can only bowl with a new ball, the new hire might be used to throw in a new ball everytime he gets trashed, so now bhuvi can swing the ball throughout the match. Srinavasan has also specified a new budget allowance of 60 rs per month to get ishant a haircut, he aims to cut costs for this new expenditure by making Rohit Sharma the official Maggi cook of the team.

Speaking more about the job put up on faukri, Dhoni said he is tired of searching for the ball in the bushes after his bowlers get hit everyday all day, he is personally going to pay the player 50% of what BCCI is going to offer. The job perks as per the job listing states that, the employee will get free Pepsi and ‘Towels’ but has warned the player from wearing the towel on his pant during the match. The player will also get free tips from Srinavasan and his son in law Meyyapan on money management. We all know the route that is going to take, said Dhoni jokingly. On asking for more details, we have exclusive info that the player will get a salary based on his performance, that is the number of balls retrieved by him, on an average 5000 INR per ball retrieved. This would easily give him a per match earning of 250000 given the way Indian bowlers bowl. His Jersey number will be 420.

On asking if a female fetcher would be considered, Srini and Dhoni said that without a reason itself Ishant is fetching balls he was hit for in the stands, if there is a girl he will throw the ball there as over throws just to go fetch it with her. Lets hope that the Indian bowling learns to respect itself.