My First Blind Date – TOEFL

TOEFL, the last exam in between me and applying for masters in colleges in the USA! A sudden burst of adrenaline sometime in October, 2012 made me write this, most probably the fact that I was away from home and the thought of going in an aeroplane that pushed me towards this decision. Went online and tried to get a date in Bangalore for the month of Decemeber but nope, all the IT babu and babuas kids are going to Amreeeka and writing TOEFL in the completely trafficked [you know which vowel has to be replaced] city of Bengaluru [I am aware that it sounds like a vegetable gone bad]. So date chosen was 8th of December and location Hyderabad, back then the $1 was 54 something INR and I think I ended up paying close to 9000 [translates to JP Miles, for free flights since my dad was so happy I was writing TOEFL he decided to pay for it].

2 months to go for the test, absolutely no worry! I am going to studying 30 days before exam and it is going to be all cool. 1 month before exam, hmm ok so I must start studying at least 15 days before exam. 15 days before exam, its getting closer, maybe this weekend I should just sit and study and maybe revise during office throughout next week. Weekend comes by and I am like oh oh, but hey wait I don’t have a book so I can’t study! Even if I did order one it would get delivered after 2 days so that is next week, let me just study through the week. The week went by, usual office work and finally friday arrived and where was I? At a Microsoft party at Novotel, Hyderabad Airport! Not kidding, I partied all evening and went home at 2 AM and slept, thankfully I rememberd to keep the alarm for 6 AM the next day. The exam center was pretty far and I had to leave by 6:30 AM else I would be late. It did not strike me even once that I had absolutely not prepared for the exam and was going to dive head first into something unknown to me!

Got up on time, left on time and reached well ahead of time, 2 hours early to be honest. Why? Well I have this habit of miscalculating time,  yes it is a habit as I do it on purpose so that i’m not late for something important. It was a small dingy building and I was shell shocked when I saw a well air conditioned office inside, that was the exam hall! There were 3 chairs and I took one, after about 45 minutes another guy came and we started talking and he said he studied only for 4 hours the previous day and no other preparation. In a way I was relieved that it was only 4 hours between one other test taker and me, I don’t know how that would affect my performance but going by standard indian laws of thought processing it seemed alright. After all the verification was done, they took mugshots of us and led us into our respective places in the exam hall.

The exam center for sure picked up all the systems for 10 bucks per kilogram from the local old newspaper agent! They were so old and mostly broken and the monitors were a shade of brown, originally white I guess when new a 100 years ago. We all did the basic login and checking the hardware like keyboard [sticky keys was a physical phenomenon not software], mouse [I am sure more than one mouse slept on this] and the headset [sorry what? I can’t hear you]. The exam was to begin in 10 minutes.

 Let me pause to give a brief history of my exam skills

1) The first one to leave exam hall since grade 1

2) Worst handwriting in class

3) I was/am more worried about time taken than quality of answers

4) My answers were known for their brevity [at least that is what I thought], in my teachers words emptyness

5) My physics teacher always asked my Dad which flight I was running off to catch

6) This carried on through college and GRE

7) On an average I slept for 90 minutes in every 180 minute exam

 

Statistics (3 hours exams)

Fastest:  C++ Programming [1st year BTech] -> 45 minutes

Slowest: Mathematics [11th Standard] -> 170 minutes

 

My works were never related to my speed of writing or not writing, I used to be bottom 50% in school and surprisingly top 50% in college.

 

Back to the TOEFL exam in hand, what might already be a lost cause, the exam begins and I breeze through my first section, suddenly I hear a voice, its loud and its a girls voice. Everyone around me was calm, was I the only one hearing it? Is this place haunted? I just got up and saw in the direction of the sound to see some girl talking at the top of her “sweet melodic” my foot voice. I was wondering what was happening, then decided maybe its some problem she has and continued with my test, over time more and more people started talking and I felt zombies were overtaking them and now I am going to get killed. All of them were chanting the same sentences about some school where education was taking a toll, I am unable to recall! I was at the edge of my seat, section 2 was just over. I was completely unaware of what was happening, was I able to read the mind voice of people? Or is this the apocalypse coming 14 days in advance? I clicked on the next section button on the screen and figured why people were talking, ok in writing it seems lame but back then for someone who had no idea about TOEFL it was creepy! I just had a private laugh and started talking just like everyone else around me, but I was conscious of being loud and kept my voice low only to figure out that unless you speak loud the system is not going to record anything! So I screamed, wailed at the top of my voice and got done with the section.

The final section was writing an essay, I thought I was done with writing stuff in words I mugged up for GRE, nope it was back to bite me! My body clock said I had been sitting here for 3 hours, the exam is 3 or 4 hours I guess and I panicked, wrote the last section in exactly 10 minutes and galloped out. On my way out I saw I was the only one outside the test room! Everyone else was still seated, 1hr 30 minutes, TOEFL done. I was not at all happy with how I had done the exam, I just walked out into the surprisingly mild Hyderabad winter took a bus home and slept the whole day and then think about the exam on sunday and got back to work on Monday. Results came, i had done well, but I did not use the score, I am still sitting at my work desk in India and writing my blog.

IT Drudgery

Its been around 20 months since I put myself on sale in the Indian IT Market, thankfully enough I have found myself an employer over time. Mechanical, boring, routine are the 3 best and probably the only words that can describe my life right now and I trust more than 80% of the industry would agree theirs is the same! Get up in the morning, take a bath maybe rush to work, open Facebook, Gmail, Quora, Twitter and a bunch of other non work related websites! Then the dreadful team meeting comes up and remember you have no update to give from last week and you sit up and code random stuff and send it for code review and then during the meeting you go

Its done, i’ve sent it for code review

only to get back a 100 odd comments, well what else did you expect when you coded up a full feature in a few hours! At the end all we had to accomplish was, meeting gone by well 😉

Meetings are like the biggest pains in the lower back region of your body! You just find that perfect tune that lets you forget you are in office before your Office Communicator goes

Ting Ting, you have a damn meeting to discuss something unnecessary!

I always prefer sitting on the floor in meeting rooms, it gives you enough space to do some nice reading online while looking all engrossed in work that is critically important to the company. Funny story, once I was doing this and my manager had asked me to take notes from the meeting, and I was reading tech crunch! Half way through my manager says something, I did not bother, he calls my name and says

Blah blah needs to reply to this blah email

I nodded my head like an idiot and then he is like,

Write it down maybe?

That is when it struck me that I was the notes boy for the day and well managed to cover it well! The guy sitting next to me knew what happened and let out a low laugh. Meeting over and I had to send a mail with the particulars, thankfully I remembered a few random things here and there and sent out a mail. I had missed out 3 items though, my manager was kind enough to fill me on and resend the mail! Thankfully none of the organizations i’ve worked at have any dress code, thank god for that else i’d be unemployed right now! How does one wear formals to work? Unless its a suit, then i would wear it, but a well pressed shirt with a formal pant all tucked in, really? Wearing crumpled tee and shorts to work has got to be the best attire! Funnily and thankfully my manager at my previous company also came in shorts. Matching matching only!

Like computers continously requiring power, i was always hungry at work! Had so much junk food all the time, and that ladies and gentlemen is the proud sponsor of my Kungfu Panda tummy minus all the strength! Pizza has got to be the most ordered poison at work and the dominos outlets in India lose half their time delievering free pizzas because we think time is the most important commodity when it comes to free pizza and the least important factor when it comes to delivering projects. 6:00 AM and 2:00 PM are 5 minutes apart in our arcane time calculations!

Gym, ring a bell? Or just reminds you of a huge bill you paid for umm, sorry what? Yeah, gym I believe! Regularly i’d go they said, i’ll forget the name of the gym they never said! Its just so hard to hit the gym after 12+ hours of office work in front of the system and then going home to spend anytime left of the day on DoTA! Where do we fit the going part of the gym to our schedule? I must admit once I worked at this place that had a gym at campus, actually 3 gyms, not that it matters, I did go to the gym regulalry for 3 weeks and then I used that place only for my showers when I did feel the need for it (yeah, living away from home, the only bathrooms I found clean were the office ones early in the morning). The only sports and outdoor activity I get now is the one that is shown on TV as I eat my fatty meals.

The one good thing I do have to mention about the IT institution is the last week of the month! First 4 days spent in continuously checking the bank account to see some magical numbers and finally the D-Day when the salary comes! That one night goes in planning how awesome the coming month is going to be and making plans on how to spend the money at movies, bowling, pubbing only to realise in 2 days that its back to reality and something called Monday exists and then its a race againt time for 4 mondays to rush past to get the next salary. Life becomes an elliptical trainer, its almost the same always but the salary week feels a bit different and its the same different every month, does that even make sense?

I wish to pull down the “For Hire” symbol above my head down before I hit mid life crisis or 30 which ever is earlier, bleh who am I kidding! Monthly salary is an addiction one can never let go off! If one does manage to do that, he wont have the internet he is using right now to read this post! How long is this going to go on for? Now that the rant is over, I shall get back to work! Everyday is a new day that helps me forget the previous day! Oh wait a minute, one more day before weekend! Awesome, this weekend is going to be legendary, I’m going to party and paint  the town red, at least my head thinks that is the plan! Although I am positive I am going to be in bed the whole weekend watching some nonsense movie and maybe a game or two on the PS3.

To make things a little more different I am writing this blog, actually I had forgotten I had a blog until 1100 INR was charged against my credit card by wordpress and I was like sorry what? It was the auto renew poilicy in effect and what threw me off was that the charge has been $18 for the last 3 years with no change but I have moved on to pay more every year! Started at 790 to 900 and currently at 1100! Its the last week before salary, I’m sure you understand the worried looks I have!

The memory floods

    Floods have mostly been devastating regardless of the country they bestow their fury upon, but the flood of memories that hits your head when you go through your childhood brings smiles and tears of joy! It is hard for me to believe that some time back I was a kid, and when I did something wrong my parents would be called and then my parents would teach me how to behave. I am no different now, except people blast me directly, and I am supposed to be responsible, at least that is what they say! To be a professional is a dream come true, but it is also the end of a fairy tale that you lived over the last 20 years of education and un responsible childhood! Why I write all this now? It is because of the 9 days I spent at home after 6 months of moving out of Bangalore.

 

   The first few days made me feel restless, I was doing nothing after a long long time! Spending time with the family never felt this good, house food is all I craved for and not having to worry about taking care of something in the house made my head feel light. I went for a walk everyday for those 9 days and each building, each empty plot, each shop I went past reminded me of those days when I used to run by them without paying any attention to them. Houses have been built on plots that I used to play cricket on, bushes and compounds have been put around all the shortcut routes that I used to go between roads! The 3 road hide and seek games I played with friends some 10 years ago were no longer a possibility for the kids in the neighborhood now! Teacher, Professors always said that students always miss school/college and they also used to say a lot of other things, things I thought were absolute rubbish back then but only to realize only age teaches you that you could done things better when you were young. While young we yearn to grow old quickly and when old we want to go back and mend our ways, not always but I am sure each of us has at least one incident that could have changed our lives in a completely different direction.

 

   There are also things that create a bitter after taste in your mind, which rose has no thorns ? Rather above the thorns you have a beautiful rose, memories are like that! Ok my style of writing has definitely made me sound like an old baboon! The new age playground has become 9GAG and Facebook, we find something funny we don’t meet friends and tell them about it, we share on their wall! Even sending an email has become obsolete, we like to IM in that super cool short hand that none but the person writing can understand. There is this compound wall near my house where I used to chat with my friends and have wall climbing competitions, the wall still exists but there are no kids playing anymore. Even a few years back when I was in college, kids used to play cricket outside my house and I used to play with them [I was/am a kid too] but now the streets are deserted, there are no kids playing! Well its funny the things that led to that, kids getting caught doing things they shouldn’t be and well being grounded follows.

 

    I now live a new childhood away from home, one that I dreamt of when in school, one where no rules apply, no one cares what I do! I am the king of my mind and the slave of my heart, I do what I desire, but there is an emptiness that surrounds me when I enjoy my freedom. The emptiness that craves for some order, a home, my home my family.

Shamelessly Simple!

Bangalore! Have had all my haircuts in that city since 1995! Even if I went out of town I always had my haircut once I got back home. Even after moving to Hyderabad, i’ve always had a haircut when I went back to Bangalore over a weekend. It used to be a simple activity, I go and he mows down my hair and I pay him 50 bucks and go back home. He doesn’t comment on my hair or my style sense nor do I comment on his style of cutting hair. Since 2000 I went to the same barber and he knows how to cut my hair, duh 12 years now. Like all good things, that tradition too had to end one fine day.

The 3 flatmates of mine are all used to going to dhinchak salons for getting a haircut, not me. I really needed a haircut and I was ready to wait for 10 days and get a haircut in Bangalore. One of my flatmates Rohan was like lets go for a haircut and I was like umm ok, but only if it is halli no shiny place for me. Then he made me feel bad for it by saying that by having a haircut at a posh place i’d only be spending 0.3% of my salary and I shouldn’t stop pampering myself. Well I agreed and we left.

We reached the place, it looked like a 5 star hotel lobby, we were asked to wait for 10 mins and then informed there is one senior hairdresser and one junior, after being reluctant initially I agreed to go to the senior guy and rohan went to the normal whatever. Hair wash, ok, that I have to say was good, and the only thing that was helpful for my hair. The senior hairdress, looked like a guy who had just climbed down a tree, hair all messed up and flying in all direction and I’m sure i saw a nest or two in his hairy mess. He takes a funny look at my head and then says this to me,

al fdshfdhs sadjadin fsdnksfhdiq nfkfhsdfh qwhkfehkwef

I was like, sorry what? He replied,

hasdufhkh sdfhkafhkh sfhkdfhdfh dafkadsjfkdjf fkhjfafj

I was like dude me also halli, you also halli why this retard accent macha? He then spoke in true hyderabadi style, your scalp is dry raaa, and then he went on to say my scalp was oily. Yeah god knows what was going through his head! Whatever raa, please just cut it, I said! He took a blower and blew the ghosts off my head! My hair was something like this

 

He then this conversation took place

RetardStylist : How do you like this hair style?

Me : Sorry? Style? What?

RS : This looks cool!

Me : I have a job!  I go to office not free food festivals!

RS: No man, sfbsdjfhsjfgh cool!

Me: Bitch Please, take a scissor and cut now

He then tries to pick one strand at a time and cut and after pretending for about half an hour he said ok done, I just ran out and paid whatever I had to and was glad I was done with the mad hairstylist!

The experience taught me one thing, simple things should be done in simple ways! I eat Pizza with hand, that is much better than flinging a tomato at someone !! Well I came back to Bangalore and got another haircut and the world is at peace now 😀 \\// [Spoc hand]

The unknown awaits

Travelling has always been fun, travelling alone has been quite an experience for all of us without question. Travelling alone is a new concept for me, the first time was on the 7th of February, 2011 around a year and a half as of today [2nd September, 2012]. I have always been accompanied by parents or a friend while travelling. More recently ever since I moved to Hyderabad the number of lone travels have increased and are happening at a regular interval. Given my habit of being open on my blog about about all my experiences this is not going to be any different.

Two weeks after moving out of home I planned to come home for the weekend, booked a train ticket even before i left Bangalore given the heroics and magical skills you need to possess to book a tatkal ticket in India. Plan was set, Hyderabad to Bangalore, Garib Rath express what could go wrong? I went down to the Begumpet railway station and as usual reached early and had to wait around 45 minutes for the train to arrive. Bored, I took out my phablet [Galaxy Note][*showing off*] and was browsing the web, playing games and stuff. The security guard of the ATM came and sat next to me and started looking into my screen, and many times pushed my head away so he could view the screen properly, given the gentle heart I am i switched off the screen after 5 mins of public viewing. Not a great thing to do but my only choice, then he started asking me questions about internet on my phone and stuff, that conversation was fun enough especially explaining how birds carry data from one cell phone tower to the next.

The wait was finally over at 7:20 pm and I got into the train and I had booked for a lower berth as I had two laptop bags and did not want to leave them unattended on the floor of the train. There was this family I have no clue from which part of the country, a man his wife accompanied by their daughter and two young sons of the daughter. They had occupied my seat, i did not ask them to move just yet and just sat at the aisle seat and hoped they would realize people sleep and move. As i waited, another guy comes in from nowhere and says this is my seat, I said that is my seat pointing to the window seat. He asks me to move, the family was having dinner, so I asked this educated retard to open his eyes and see that they were eating. He says he needs his seat, I began ignoring and finally he just squeezed in on the seat opposite to where I sat. Finally the family is done with their 12 course meal, I was like finally! I told them they need to move now and I need to sleep. The obliged after some murmuring,comfortable in the 6 feet bed of the train I was on the verge of blissful sleep when a lady started trumpeting through the voice receiver of the chinese handset, holy mother of god is there any such thing as etiquette? Certainly not the case with the people I was travelling with, the phone call went on for hours or there were repeated calls I do not know but I was waking up every 20 mins just to realize only 5 minutes had passed by since the last time i checked my watch. I still had this feeling that something was missing, but could not figure out what, until the kid started crying at the top of his voice, yep there it was the stages of retarded travel was now complete. 12 hours journey, 2 hours of sleep, Bangalore welcomes me with auto guys asking 200 bucks for 7 KM, and then when I speak to them in Kannada and tell them I am from Bangalore they smile in the most ridiculous way and walk off.

The journey back to Hyderabad was pretty chilled out and I just slept like a log and probably the thought of going to office again kept me from bothering about my co passengers. That very next weekend I was supposed to travel back to Bangalore but this time with two other buddies and I thought to myself, this is gonna be a good journey! No stupid co passenger can bother us. Well how does one anticipate a group of 8 card game addicts who don’t give a **** about their co passengers?! They played cards till 12 in the night and stuffed me and my friends on to one seat! They had encroached on our area. This after we repeatedly asked them to vacate and the only response from them was the game is almost over just 5 more minutes. Finally another passenger got in the train at some station in between and he directly went to the TT and complained and we got our berth to sleep. The night was not over yet they continued playing on the berth above us and kept the lights on, another complaint and the lights were off, nope the night is still not over! One of the retards had lost his footwear and he goes around throwing the bags of mine and Ganessh[my friend and co passenger] before I asked him to stop doing that. He finally found the missing slipper in the morning 20 minutes before the train arrived at destination Bengaluru.

The latest one happened on the bus journey from Hyderabad to Bangalore, so this guy whose berth was next to mine [Sleeper bus] asks me if I want ThumbsUp and I said thanks i’ll pass. He said he come on man, just drink some, the seal was intact so I thought no harm in having some and i drank a bit and gave it to him, he says drink some more and I was like ok and finished about 200 ml. He says thanks, takes out a bottle of Royal Stag and mixes it and drinks it happily and sleeps. He has a sound sleep, by sound i mean he was snoring and that sounded more like a broken pumpset in the village of Dholakpur! Well no problem as long as he was did not puke or started acting funny! All was well and i’m sure as hell he mentioned he needs to get down at Hebbal but he slept through the stop despite the conductor shouting Hebbal a 100 times!

All these trips have taught me what to expect from travel and travel in India is never like what they show in movies if you know what I mean 😛

Fine to Pay or Paid to Fine ?

Cops in India are everywhere, well other than those places that have crimes, jokes apart the kind of security we do get nowadays due to the efforts of the police department is really good. This post is not to praise or put down any government body but just putting forth a few things I have observed and dont’t quite understand the motive behind such actions. I do not wish to be arrested on account of blasphemy, so if any cop is reading this please stop right away, I mean no offense 😛

I’ve almost always tried to maintain all the traffic laws put down by the cops in my city and I believe the Bangalore City Traffic police do the best work in the whole of India. There has been this one time when I got caught for violating the compulsory helmet rule, I had absolutely no problem or complaint that i was caught as early as 6 30 am or the fact that I was caught inside a residential area, but what followed after that is really confusing for me, and few other things that I started observing about the city cops post that also pushed me towards writing this post.

   6 30 am : Cop asks me to stop at the side and I was still pretty sleepy

I obliged and stopped and it took me around 5 minutes to realize I had to pay a fine, all this because I had come to the college bus stop to return a belt to someone 😛 So yeah I was caught, had left my wallet at home as I did not expect to be stopped and fined this early in the morning. Thankfully had my phone and I asked my mom( she was really busy and she said she will come after 15 minutes, she was angry) and I waited for my documents and the fine money. Right in front of me there were people riding without helmet but the cop made sure that at a time only 5 were caught and no more, I just asked the cop why he is letting them go and catching selectively and he snaps back at me. I thought I should strike a deal with him and tell him i’ll catch him 2 people in turn he can let me go 😛 but he was pretty angry already so i refrained. Half the people did not have documents and were waiting for someone to get it for them and the cop was free not like he was busy, only one thing stuck my head, are these guys working for a target or for getting the city to be organized and safe? Did they join the force for passion or just for a job?

Ever since I started observing the way cops apprehend people and fine them, well in one way it is nice to know we have people to keep the city safe but the method is pretty disturbing. In the beautiful city of Bangalore the speed limits are very strictly enforced with interceptors catching offenders regularly, 60 kmph for cars and 50 kmph for 2 wheelers. If speed was to be kept under control why do the cops always have interceptors behind curves? Places where they cannot be spotted easily? Are the trying to give us an opportunity to commit a crime and then fine us? Sounds like that right? If they really wanted to keep the city safe they would try and avoid the speeding cases by having these interceptors on open roads and being clearly visible hence not giving us the chance to break the speed limit. To be honest I feel we civilians should learn to follow rules, but obviously we have those poor miserable under educated rich people who think they own the roads, but we can always stop ourselves from making the roads unsafe. Coming back to my original point, why hide and catch rather than prevent and keep the place safe? The department should stop looking at the law breakers as a source of income, instead they should focus on making the place safe.

The case of ” Let them commit the crime and then fine ” is not confined to over speeding or small offenses like no helmet, most of the one ways in Bangalore have a cop standing at the end of the one way, hence catching the people there and fining them, why for the love of god can you not stand at the place of entry for the wrong way and stop people? If you cannot answer this all one can interpret is that cops look at offenders as a source of money. Given the number of pubs in the city, drunken driving is pretty high, and trust me if not for the work of bangalore cops we would have deaths accounted to drunken driving to the counts of 10 to 15 every night, but again why can’t cops intercept these people at the source of drunken drivers? Agreed too many pubs too few cops, but for the MG Road region they can have a cop at the end of Brigade road as that is one exit and few more cops at the ends of MG Road, but no you can travel at least 4-5 kms before being stopped by a cop for a breath analyzer test.

I always have this fear getting mugged when i am outside late at night so I never carry my wallet with me, unfortunately for me one night I had taken the car to my friends place and left the wallet at his place before I ventured out at 2 am hoping I’d be able to find something to eat. Well two cops not traffic cops the other cops stopped me and asked for my car documents and stuff, fair enough they want to see if i’ve robbed the car. I realized it was all at my friends place 2 kms away. I told the cop my situation and told him i’d stay right there and i’ll ask my friend to get the documents, if the cop actually wanted to ensure that it was not a case of robbery he would have agreed to it, well he says he has been instructed to collect fine on the spot in case of no documents. What the hell is that? If i give a fine then the car is mine even if I have robbed it? He asked me for 900 bucks, thankfully no wallet and I had only 10 bucks in the car, now he could not say go home and get the wallet as he said he had to collect fine on the spot. Well luckily he saw my poor state and let me go, but only after a long speech about how important being disciplined one needs to be during the age of 16-24 and stuff. I rushed back to my friends place and heaved a sigh of relief.

To end all I would say is, Bangalore definitely has huge traffic problems but the department is working hard to keep the city safe, I’ve been in cities like Hyderabad and boy its a terror to ride a bike there. Its much more safer here, but to ride a bike in Bangalore either you follow each and every rule and pay only for petrol or you will get caught by a cop hiding behind a post and pay him a fine 😛

The question still remains unanswered…………

 

Who is paying macha ?

We hang out with friends, colleagues, family endless number of times a month(assuming you are not in the IT sector and sucked up in the black hole of workaholism), well we have fun and fun in the present day world at least in cities like Bangalore costs a truckload of money! Unless you sit under a tree inside your house compound or play poker indoors(you might en up losing money, if you do play with real money) you are gonna spend. The way things have changed made me a Zynga poker addict and well guess what, i lost all cash there and Zynga tells me

Pay only $9.99 for a truckload of virtual chips, well the truck is virtual too

This is when i realised the only thing I can do now is write a post based on my observations on the topic “Who is paying macha?”. The answer to this question affects the way a person is during the outing! Are you going to deny that ? To be honest and like every other post I confess I used to be affected by this before I started earning too. Students and other non working people are not to relate to the things I mention in this post 😛 Well then i’ll have to relate myself and well I can’t write this 😉

My cab ride to work startles me every day without fail, there is always at least one character either in the morning drop to work or the return journey in the evenings, i’ve gotten so addicted to being startled that I change my cab timings everyday just for this! There are quite a few situations that i’d like to mention, starting with the classic,

Oh my, its so far, I cant walk 10m, cab driver please drop me

There are many situations where the person who needs to be dropped lives on a one way road, and their house is less than 50 m from the place where the one way starts. The person thinks he is uber “So-fuss-ticated” that he/she needs to be dropped right outside the gate. They ask the poor cab driver to drop them there and then take the road till its end before getting on a route to drop off the others. There was this one person who wanted something like this, what was worse than the normal idiots was this,

The road was a deadend, house 55-60m into the road, road length 200m, U-turn possibility only at the deadend as there is a small empty plot to turn around!

Really, would you do this if you were in an auto and the driver demanded 5 bucks more to drop you inside stating “U-turn thagiyakke aagalla maa” (Sorry mam, cant take U turn). There was another incident recently, it was just after a rainy afternoon, I took the cab at around 3:30 pm and it was pretty chilly outside, I sat behind as someone was on the front seat already. The cab started out and this joker in the front asks for the AC to be switched on, the driver has to listen to the passenger and he put the AC on speed 1. Will this person in front be happy? Nah, he blasts it to the highest speed and tops the scene by leaving the window next to him open! Seriously? Dude, what is that? Then he pretends to sleep when we tried asking him where he lost his brains. Pretty sure he is one of those,

OMG the weather is pleasant, no AC when driving his own car people

Apart from office money hoggers we have the

I hog like a pig when I’m not paying

There are many people who recommend all amazingly huge places for treats and when it is their chance to pay, its the corner Pani Puri shop. There are things people can do, either dont eat like a starved retard when others or treating or maintain the standard of treats for the love of god. Have you heard of the people who say they never go to theaters but are watching a movie every time someone is paying 😛

We are in a world where more than questions like,

What are we doing today?

Which restaurant are we hitting raaa ?

Which movie is running now ?

we ask just one question

Who is paying macha ?

I’ll add more to this with time 😀

Adding Fuel to the Fire

The people of India have agreed not to infuse new angles to a fight in order to make it flare, while most of the world was surprised that we were giving up our favorite pastime, it comes as no surprise to the locals. The recent fuel rise has made “Adding Fuel to Fire” a rather expensive hobby! In a mutual agreement signed by the nation of billions, this comes as a sign of unity. The UPA government has quickly added unity in the nation as the main background reason for the fuel hike, indeed the have gone to the extent of making another claim that the recent fuel hike will make people more active and has ordered “Rolling on the stomach” [Paet- roll] be made compulsory for at least 45 minutes a day. Given such noble thoughts of the government even BJP was in tears and have decided to vote for UPA in every election henceforth. The Indian government has now decided fueling the growth of the nation is no more beneficial economically to the nation!

Not just this, the number of things that have now changed in the country are more than the number of fingers on your hands and mine combined. People have canceled surgeries that were scheduled as the cost of the fuel required to drop the person at the hospital has now equaled the cost of the surgery itself! We interviewed world renowned Dr. Manman Singh, he is a speech specialist and practices the art of silence, this is what he had to say

Interviewer : Good Morning Sir, what are your thought on the recent fuel hike.

Dr. ManMan Singh : ……………………………………

Interviewer : Sir are you practicing your act of silence again ?

Dr. ManMan Singh : zz ………………………zz …………………….zz

Interviewer : Sir, please get up, Mrs Soia Gani is watching you!

Dr. ManMan Singh : I believe in the integrity of the nation, I love India, I can Speak! Hurray! I do not pay for petrol so I believe no one else does either, hence the price rise will not affect my beloved supporters

In other reports from around the country, given the scenes at the petrol bunk last evening, many roadside bajji and pakoda vendors opened stalls just outside petrol bunks hoping for a good business, they would have succeeded except they forgot they needed fuel to light their stoves to prepare the dishes. This sparked of a protest and thankfully fuel was too expensive, hence the spark just sparked and nothing more. One insane woman went to the extent of threatening self-immolation thankfully[yes the government took credit for this too] she did not have enough money to buy petrol. More news pouring in from the e-commerce industry suggested big players such as Flipkart and Myntra providing online sales of petrol with a delivery charge of just 40 INR per liter, this was mainly to target those lazy people who were at home and did not get any fuel for their vehicles last night. Needless to say the above giants made a million with their scheme! Going ahead they say, they will sell petrol online and you can apply usual coupon codes to get discounts.

In a village in Bihar, a wedding was broken owing to the price surge overnight! Exact details of the reason were unclear but the preliminary reports suggested that this was a case of dowry harassment. The boy’s family had asked for a Skoda Superb and the girl’s family obliged but on the day of the wedding the family indicated that the girl’s family had evil ideas to wipe out all the wealth of the boy by getting him a petrol car. This led to a 5 hour long wordplay session between the families on the unlit streets of the village. Sources say there were many such similar incident all across the country last evening.

Mailing List and other corporate face palms

I have around 8 months of experience working now as an intern in 3 companies put together and the comical things that happen at work are worth putting down as a post! I would like to confess I’ve done most of the stupid things i’m going to mention in this post! Lets start with a fairly simple one

EOM means end of message, and not hey i’m so smart i used EOM in my message field of the mail! I can now type a story in the body and people will read thinking i’m smart for using EOM! weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Happened so many times! I figured out what this meant when I was interning last summer, well thankfully I hadn’t used it without knowing what it meant! So yeah this is what happened recently,

I open my office mail and see an awesome mail saying,

Working From Home today EOM from some random person I dont know, you know why I am saying IDK

So I was like, awesome 😀 I can chill all day. Yes I did not open the mail, as it read EOM!

What was I supposed to know? That he did not know what EOM meant? Well there was a mail body stating some pretty important stuff. I missed it! Yay me! Well thankfully I was not a very important part of that something important that had to be done so yeah close shave!

I’ve made it a point to open mails regardless of whether it contains EOM in the subject or not! Trust me you guys should do it too, not many people know what exactly that means! Sometime I feel I should just write them an email back like this

To: dorkwhoknowsnoteom@zz.com

Subject : You are the smartest person i’ve known <EOM>

Message body: Dude seriously? You opened this mail even after seeing EOM in the subject? Let me give you some gyan, visit this awesome blog post to understand what EOM means http://wp.me/pYIWN-2R

Regards,

Aaditya Sriram [Yes i know what EOM means]

But well you know I can’t do that, I dont know what I could call upon myself for doing such things 😛 If any of you want to try this, please go ahead you can pass on a link to this post 😉

Lets move on to SOS, din’t understand what SOS was doing here ? Well the same things happen to me, everyday a new abbreviation! OOF was new, but common, then came OOO, alright got used to it, WFH everyone knows at least after reading the first part of this post you would know 😛 Oh wait, I forgot to tell you what SOS was, Some Other Stuff 😀 Any who I wont be surprised if the below conversation takes place sometime soon,

Yesterday I was like OOO when you got everyone SAD chocolates and the whole team PUKED for an hour after that!

OOO -> Out of Office

SAD -> Super Amazingly Delicious

PUKED -> Praised Ur Kindness Elegance and Deference

There was this one Abbr. recently, OOTO, I was almost compelled to refrain from replying back saying its OOTA not OOTO 😛 OOTA as in food btw. This post is getting long and I am unable to write most of the stuff I really want to for 2 reasons, one people who I work with might read this and secondly MFM [My family members] also might trip on this. So yep censorship at its peak!

Ever heard of mailing lists, hell yeah you have! Well companies have internal mailing lists for super crazy and awesome reasons and every branch of a company always has a mailing list for all the employees in that campus! So yeah, this experience is common across any company!

Company HR send this mail to everyone via the mailing list:

Please collect your monthly <something valuable> from the counter on <some awesome floor> today!

A disgruntled employee writes to the common mail saying,

Have not received my <something valuable> for this month and my name is not on the list of employees!! Yes he clicks on reply to all, not reply to sender. *Uber facepalm*

HR: <*super uber facepalm* > also replies to all, stating reasons for the same!

This conversation goes on for quite sometime and we get a nice mail with the whole chat history!

This was real and yeah not too funny, let us imagine the below scenario and probably at the end of it you will realize why reply to all is not such a smart idea on a company wide mailing list!

<Random troll> : Hey ever heard of awesome dudes sending mails with EOM in the subject and then adding text to the body of the mail ?

<Innocent you> : Oh hell yeah, my <some important higher authority> does that all the time man!!! He is such a noob <reply-all>

Innocent you receives mail from <some important higher authority> oh thanks mate, so this is how you take care of my reputation behind my back <reply-all>

<Innocent you> : Saaaaar, no saaaaar, what saaaaar i dont know anything saaaaar sad village halli boy me saaaaar please saaaaar forgive saaaaar, i will give you sambar instead of saaaar or anna saaaaar 😛 <reply-all>

<Company head> : sad fools, you do not simply hit reply all to company wide mails! <reply-all>

I’ve fainted already <reply-all>

Take me higher …. or maybe lower

Elevators, wow what an invention! Zoom up and down super size buildings in no time with absolutely no sweat! I used to visit malls in Bangalore just to use lifts, well that was till escalators started showing up everywhere.

psst .. travelators are my new favorite, i mean how super cool are they !!

Well as awesome as they are, the people using it tend to be more oblivious to the way they work! This has been something that i’ve wanted to write about for quite some time but today after what happened at office I just wanted to let go and write it! I find new peace through blog writing, good or not I have fun! Coming back to the topic, you may ask what incidents, well here goes!

Three common misconceptions by elevator users:

1. Hit the buttons super hard and continuously to make the elevator teleport from any floor to the one you are on almost instantaneously.

2. You tell the elevator which way it has to travel, that is why you have two buttons on the floor, one for going up and the other for going down

3. Doesn’t matter which arrow is showing on the elevator display[awesome at some places] you just get onto it and start jabbering

Well the first one, come on all of you have done it at least once, havent you ? Well if you havent, awesome you just missed on some awesome childhood glory where you could have felt that it was the force that lie in your magical fingers that got the elevator to show up super quick. I’ve seen people come with two fingers pointing and hitting the buttons repeatedly as if they were caught up in a super charged link with the buttons and couldn’t let go.

Tik tik tiki takakakaka tak tikkki tak tadaak

yeah that is the sound alright! oh oh, yes they are on the phone too! Well super awesome idiots even if elevators worked that way do you think there are no other idiots like you on other floors thrashing the buttons like you?

Coming to the second, below is an actual conversation that happened sometime back between me and a super close friend of mine, well lets call her Stacy(I like that name, no offense I love the real name but I dont want to embarrass her), so yeah Stacy and me had this conversation

Lift was on the 4th floor(I dont actually remember which floor) and we were on the 2nd floor of some building

Stacy went ahead and pressed the down button although we had to go to the 3rd floor, I was shocked, asked her

Me : “umm do you know what you are doing? We need to go to the 3rd floor. ”

Stacy : “Yeah i know, that is why i asked the elevator to come down from 4th to 2nd!”

Me: “Sorry ?”

Stacy: “The elevator has to come down right? So I pressed the down button!”

Me: (Facepalm and almost died of laughter ) “Holy smokes!!!! Did no one ever tell you how this works?”

So fact time: the people who made the elevators were smart enough to detect which direction they lift should move to service the request it received! They sort of figured there would be people who would press the down button while at the basement and people who would press the up button while on the top most floor. Any idea what would happen if elevators depended on our tiny little brain’s amazing thoughts to choose direction ?  😉

Finally, this one is a classic and what made me write this article! This happened today[6 May, 2012] at Brigade Gateway, yep I went to work on a Sunday purely out of choice and yes I’m showing off that I work at an office in Brigade Gateway 😀 So I walk into the MLCP building and head towards the elevator and I see a huge crowd, thanks to Orion mall there are so many people who use the elevator to go to the lower basement where their vehicles are parked. If it were the good old days we wouldn’t have had MLCP or people using the elevator to go down one level. We have become lazy haven’t we? Anyhoo, so a huge crowd and I hit the up button as I had to go to the 3rd floor where my ride was waiting for me, a happy couple get into the lift with me(yep you guessed right the lift was moving upwards!) and they were all romancing and hit LB and I hit 3rd floor. The complex has a elevator attendant at all times in the lift, he asked this guy why he pressed LB when the lift was moving upwards, that guy replies

Oh, maine socha tha ki yeh neeche jayega kyunki maine LB dabaya. The door had almost closed, this guy hits open and gets out.

[My mind voice] Abe gadhe ullo, elevator ka display nahi dekh sakta kya ?

This was a mistake ? Well too many examples to prove your thoughts wrong, i’ve seen people get into elevators regardless of the direction its going in. They just enter and hit whichever floor they want! So if a guy is on the 3rd floor and wants to go to the 1st floor he will still get into a lift moving up and he will hit 1st floor. He has no issues travelling up and then moving down to where he wants to end up, but he absolutely hates waiting for the lift to come down again!

I have a petition to the government, please include a 3 page chapter in every 1st standard textbook on how to use elevators! We don’t want people to be using the wrong elevators and reaching hell instead of heaven and vice versa 😛

*Peace out*