Man Becomes rich after falling into pothole

Pothole menace in Bangalore is a huge issue with people falling into these huge craters everyday! Last evening a man however made a fortune after falling into one of the deep potholes on Tin Factory road connecting OMR and Ring road, he had hit oil. He was driving a 30 wheel tanker lorry with an extended trailer when all of a sudden the whole vehicle disappeared from the road, after 30 minutes of frantic searching by the locals who thought they had witnessed a David Blaine trick they found the driver climb out of deep hole in the road and shout in joy. He was covered in a black slimy liquid which was later discovered to be oil! Yes you heard it right, Bangalore has oil and the credit for the discovery goes to the driver and partly to the mayor of Bangalore for refusing to close the potholes.
   The government of Karnataka has approved an award of 10 crores to the driver for discovering oil. The ecstatic driver in an exclusive interview with the unreal times said that he was overjoyed with his new found wealth and would like to watch a movie at a theater in Bangalore, it has been his childhood dream he said. He was unable to afford a movie in the IT city all these days. The driver Mr Viyunduthan Oilingam hails from Jamnagar where his father works with the reliance refineries, no wonder oil discovery runs in his blood, rather oil runs in the holes he falls into. He has 1 wife and 3 kids who are all very proud of him, Gujarat CM NaMo personally visited the family and said that Viyunduthan belongs to Gujarat and will be given a palace in Ahemedabad. NaMo seems to be trying to hide the oil discoverer for his personal uses in the future.
  Bangalore will now have a huge boost in terms of economy, also the initial cost for setting up and digging a oil well has already been avoided thanks to the 300m deep potholes in bangalore. The mayor has ordered all potholes to be dug into deep and look for presence of oil. Initial estimates suggest that there is enough oil to fuel Bangalore and the rest of South India for another 1243 years. The IT city may now buy out Hosur from Tamil Nadu to expand Electronic city to ‘fuel’ further development. The mayor has been congratulated by all governments who are now ready to clean his shoes for a share of the oil to develop their own states.
  Arnab Goswami has also signed up exclusive television rights to interview the pothole that is now credited with the availability of oil. The nation would definitely like to know if the pothole has any other rich neighbours from whom we can steal all the oil and further screw up tin factory road. Manmohan Singh  when asked about what plans he had to exploit this new discovery, said “… . ……… . . .. “.
  Following this breaking news other states have also decided to invite Mr Viyunduthan to discover oil. All cities have been ordered by the supreme court to stop repairing the roads, in fact no new roads can be laid as per this law with immediate effect. Kanpur is pegged to be the next oil exploration zone since it doesn’t seem to have any roads at all.
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IT Professional gets the pink slip for slipping some pink stuff from work!

The soaring Onion prices have claimed yet another victim, this time news coming in from Bangalore that Mr Vengayam Madaya a Senior Programmer at one of the most reputed IT firms in Bangalore has been sacked. The reason being that he had been consistently getting a box everyday to take onions made available at the lunch buffet that is offered by the company as a complimentary meal everyday.
   The food caterer found that everyday 300-400 gm of onion was missing after the first round of lunch being served. This had been going on for the last 32 days and the caterer could not bear the loss of 16 kilos of onion! He complained to the company management and company then reviewed tapes and found the suspect taking loads of cut onion and putting it in the box and running away. To put matters to an end, they planned to catch the onion victim in action, they succeeded and caught him pink handed, sorry red handed.
  Mr Vengayam pleaded and promised to grow onion bulbs at home and return all the onions as soon as possible, the company security officials turned a deaf ear to the requests and terminated his employment. Mr Vengaya was seen in tears, it is not clear if he was crying or it was the onion that he had managed to grab and put in his pocket before being confronted earlier today.
   Mr Vengayam is from a family of 4, his wife and 2 sons who are working in hotels as managers. The hotels have now put a watch on the sons to prevent them from following their father’s footsteps. His Wife Mrs Vengayam is inconsolable again it is not clear if the onions were to blame for the tears rushing down her fluffy cheeks. She says they will now make onion pakodas and sell it on the streets to IT professionals so that the onion when being friend feels the pain they feel right now.

BCCI is Hiring

News has just arrived that BCCI has put up a job opening in the Indian cricket team. Owing to the way our bowlers are getting hit, especially Ishant Sharma, the head pontif Srinavasan has made up his mind to get things in order. The job description states that every time the ball goes flying out of the park the new hire should fetch the ball and throw it back. This is specially needed because ICC has added a rule saying only 10 new balls can be taken in a match and ishant Sharma and Co have been bowling so well that at least 20 balls are lost per match and around 18 go out of shape due to the terrific force with which stupid deliveries by Indian pacemen is being hit.

When Srinavasan was asked why he doesn’t get new bowlers instead, he stated he cannot start a breeding center to get bowlers made to specification. He also hinted that the new hire might be used for ball exchange Pardhe ke peeche. Since Bhuveneshwar Kumar can only bowl with a new ball, the new hire might be used to throw in a new ball everytime he gets trashed, so now bhuvi can swing the ball throughout the match. Srinavasan has also specified a new budget allowance of 60 rs per month to get ishant a haircut, he aims to cut costs for this new expenditure by making Rohit Sharma the official Maggi cook of the team.

Speaking more about the job put up on faukri, Dhoni said he is tired of searching for the ball in the bushes after his bowlers get hit everyday all day, he is personally going to pay the player 50% of what BCCI is going to offer. The job perks as per the job listing states that, the employee will get free Pepsi and ‘Towels’ but has warned the player from wearing the towel on his pant during the match. The player will also get free tips from Srinavasan and his son in law Meyyapan on money management. We all know the route that is going to take, said Dhoni jokingly. On asking for more details, we have exclusive info that the player will get a salary based on his performance, that is the number of balls retrieved by him, on an average 5000 INR per ball retrieved. This would easily give him a per match earning of 250000 given the way Indian bowlers bowl. His Jersey number will be 420.

On asking if a female fetcher would be considered, Srini and Dhoni said that without a reason itself Ishant is fetching balls he was hit for in the stands, if there is a girl he will throw the ball there as over throws just to go fetch it with her. Lets hope that the Indian bowling learns to respect itself.

Trainfic India!

Trains have always been a source of fascination! How do they move from one track to the other without jumping out? How do so many trains travel on the same track but different directions and still manage to stay clear of going kaboom? The whole Indian railways is a world wonder, just for the sheer size and volume of the rail system! My love for trains began with the famous cutlet, there was something special in the cutlet you get in trains! I don’t know if it was because the potatoes were mashed on the floor by bare footed cooks by feet in the oily dirty pantry car or because it was fried potato and the only deep fried item other than the vada on these long journey!

   I regularly go to sabarimala, but the travel has generally been normal with no crazy ass bloggable adventures, but the one I am still on (yes I’m blogging from the kerala express enroute coimbatore) although not bat shit crazy, it’s got a few first times for me. I finished the whole pilgrimage from kottayam to Pamba by cab and then by foot to sabarimala and back to kottayam. I’m waiting at the railway station, half sleepy in this very noisy station. All I remember is that my train the one that goes from trivandrum to new Delhi.

I buy myself a copy of digit, start reading it to stay awake, it works pretty well except I’m not listening to the announcements. A train chugs into the station, u suddenly look towards to train and see the board reading Trivandrum to New Delhi and back. My train was scheduled to arrive at 2:05, the time right now was 2:05! I was surprised the train was on time in a state where well it never comes on time! I take my bags along,  my uncle follows and we realise the train is moving in the wrong direction as it came to a screeching halt. We thought the travel made us get mixed up with directions and proceeded to enter the train. In kerala I believe it is normal for reserved coaches between trivandrum and cochin to be used as passenger trains, in other words like a local train where any number of people can jump in and squeeze the life out of everyone. We got in, S9 coach check, seat numbers 65 and 66 check! Phew, but wait there was someone  on our seats already! To be honest, there were 6 people sitting on a seat that was meant for 3. Yeah, this is cool, I now have to drive out 6 people to reclaim my seats. I ask the ladies in a cool and calm manner, to get up and give us our seats as this is a reserved compartment. They go on and act like they can’t hear us, one of the guys there starts talking in Hindi asking what I want! I said in my Butler Hindi,

Yeh hamara seat hain, anghhhhhh (captain style)

My uncle by then asks someone if this is the kerala express, that guy said yes. Is it going to coimbatore? Umm, no this is going towards trivandrum! Holy shit, we were in the wrong train, actually wait right train but wrong direction! The train was already moving out of the station, and we decided to jump out. My uncle seems to have done this before and he jumps out all pro like. I go to the door and my legs freeze, I’ve never done this before! What am I supposed to do now? Like just jump and sit on my butt? Or fly away as far as I can from the train? The platform was going to end and the train was pretty fast now, I had to think quick but act faster! So I acted, yes like a fool, and jumped and landed on two legs, surprisingly I did not fall. There is a cop left next to me! I was like Erm

Peace out?

He gave me a disgusted look and asked me if I was deaf and couldn’t hear the announcements about the train! He said the following in malayalam

This is the trivandrum bound train, it is 3 hours late! Your train is at 2:05, (I was like gotcha, now what will you scold me for,  but here goes)  have you ever seen trains come on time? Fool, go and sit there, your train is 30 minutes late!

I was like, whaaaattt? (the way Phil Dunphy from modern family says it), and then meekly ran to the nearest bench and sat down to a bunch of guys laughing at me. It’s cool, I now know that even if the train start and end locations are the same and it is at your platform at the scheduled time it Is not your train! This reminds me of the following

All that you hear and all that you see are false.

My uncle and I shared a good laugh, then we had some coffee and sat down for the right train to come. The train finally came, we checked it was indeed the train to get into and finally got in.

   Empty Seat? No sir, there is a freaking family tree here! My seat? Lol they said,

Are you an idiot to get into a train with a confirmed ticket and expect a seat?

They gave me and my uncle our seats but people crammed in on the remaining space and eventually squishing us too. My uncle and I could do nothing more than laugh at our situation. The guys around have been good though, no fuss, and they are not making noise either, giving me space to think clearly and blog in a moving train. The first time I’ve done that! On a positive note, I shall not be thankful for every train journey I have with a berth that is mine and only mine!

  So what did I learn today?
1) my uncle has jumped from a moving train before this
2) I am lucky i did not break my teeth when I jumped onto the platform like I was catching the golden snitch.
3) how to blog from a train

image

to

Apple Says ……..

Apple says, read that with the tone our teachers used when we all played Simon Says! This was a post I wrote long back when Apple maps first started drowning people, found it while sanitizing my hard drive! I don’t know how relevant it is now, but back then I had fun writing it!

 

Indian Government Bans Apple Maps

 

After months of repeated complaints from the general public about people drowning in rivers and falling of cliffs due to faulty directions from Apple Maps the government has finally decided to stop the use of the brilliantly engineered solution for killing ones near and dear to us. This has come as an early New Year gift to many, although we are yet to confirm if there was any inside pressure from a different reason for the same outcome.

The hype created over the amazing capabilities of the new version of the famous IOS and the new device capabilities back in May last year prompted the assembly to get iPhone and iPad for each and every legislative member to help them be more productive. The members were really happy with their gifts back then, as now they had a new reason for not being present at the parliament during sessions. One might wonder how this was possible? Given the bleak attendance of the members at the session, one may say they might not possibly know the route back and forth to the venue. One of the members under the promise of anonymity on paper said this to Faking News exclusively,  “One day I got up at 4:00 in the morning and got ready for the parliament session at 10:00 later that day but then I used Apple Maps and ended up in Lahore instead of the parliament”, he added that, he actually thanks Maps for its failure as he got to meet Pakistan’s home minister instead and shared a good evening with tea and biscuits.

Many incidents were reported all across India, mostly involving cars trying to climb buildings in reverse gear and people trying to play cricket on a stadium, which was a lake! The Sri Lankan cricket team, which toured India late last year was disgusted with its experience in Kolkata after the driver of the bus to the stadium used Apple Maps and ended up reaching Sourav Ganguly’s house instead where he was valiantly swinging clothes, which was later explained as Ganguly’s daily task allotted to him by his wife! After a good laugh at his plight and being eye tortured of seeing him without clothes the team left for the stadium and used Google Maps on its way instead.

One couple from Bangalore reported that their Apple Maps was the God for them as it got them together! The story behind this was quite unique, the man was searching for Satan after he had lost his job and lost his faith on god and the woman was searching for a pastime, as she was a housewife! One day the man had gotten so frustrated that he tried searching for Satan on his iPhone that he had robbed from his boss before being thrown out and it showed him to the woman’s house where they shared a moment of silence in deep eye connection and instantly fell in love. The couple had then eloped and left a note to the husband that they were going to Hyderabad and that the woman was truly sorry for leaving him. Till date the husband (from Lithuania) has been trying to get to Hyderabad using the same Apple Maps! Well we know how that search is going to end up.

What was surprising about this ban is that, this was the only software that could make our honorable prime minister speak! It used to irritate him so much; he used to swear at it all the time! Rumor has it that he once searched for “Silent Valley” on his swanky new iPhone 5 and it guided him to Voice Training Institute! Given it made the most silent people come out of their shells and VOICE out their concerns, this ban should not have been made.

 

Cheers!

Your Funny Reporter

Rich Stupidity

To be rich is achievable, to not be stupid when rich is a talent — Anonymous

These words ring the bell and horn in my mind everytime I hear it or read it! Bangalore has a lot of rich people, people with a 5 storey houses and people who have 5 different stories to explain how they became rich (the hidden truth mostly involves inheritance or bribes). Along with the number of rich people, the number of cars and ultimately the number of idiots driving cars on the road has increased 10 fold since the inception of Electronic City and ITPL [the local dumping zone for engineers in India].  From the din chik of the loud cars to the almost unheard bell of a cycle, Bangalore traffic has a lot of variety and entertainment for the daily commuter.

One fine day, I decided to head back home a little late and my colleague who has also been my childhood friend offered to drop me, alright I asked him to drop me! Happy? He agreed to drop me and we left for home from work at around 6:00 PM. There is this epic place called tin factory in between our respective residence and office, the jam over here demands 10 loafs of bread! It takes around 30 minutes to cross 200m. So we were stuck here, my friend promptly switches off his car owing to his green attitude which I believe every Indian needs! Having  a light conversation, it was a cool and calm evening sky and it looked beautiful. We were surrounded by vehicles in all directions, left right front back below, you name it! There was a Toyota Etios up ahead, a goods carrying auto rickshaw to the left, what was to the right is not important here. In front of that auto was an Maruti Suzuki Esteem, Silver color. Suddenly the car started moving behind, agonizingly close to the auto behind when the auto guy jammed the horn to wake up the driver of the esteem! This is a usual scene in Bangalore where there are signals in slopey areas, yes most Bangalores let the wheels roll in the wrong direction when its supposed to stand still. Generally this is what happens,

1) Car moves back

2) It comes too close and the driver of the vehicle behind jams the horn

3) The driver rolling suddenly hits the brake hard

4) Looks out of the window

5) The driver behind showers a few praises

6) The driver in front drives ahead once the traffic clears

But, here is what actually happened with the esteem and the goods auto

1) Car moves back

2) It comes too close and the auto driver jams the horn

3) The driver rolling suddenly hits the brake hard

4) Gets out of the car

5) Showers praises to the auto driver

6) Asks the auto driver if he is mad for honking when the signal is closed

7) Auto driver says you came to close

8) Car driver says there is so much distance in between (it was hardly 3 inches)

9) People around look at the driver in disgust

10) Drivers gets back into car and auto guy and people around signal that guy is mad and have a good laugh

Was the car driver trying to show his dominance because he is more rich than the auto driver? To be honest this auto driver has to be praised for his calm behavior when the lunatic was screaming! Any other auto driver, as I shall have to remind myself of incidents i’ve been part of abuse you to the extent that you feel cheap and violated! This auto guy realized something was wrong with the car driver and let go. If the car driver had hit the auto, the auto guy would have started a fight and asked for 5000 bucks for a scratch that is invisible and halted the traffic behind for at least an hour before a traffic cop would intervene.

Nevertheless, this is not a rare occurrence in a city where people are judged by their cars and not their character, everyone is in a hurry! So am I! Arrogance is not!

To finish off the post with a nice pic I found recently depicting the situation with Bangalore traffic

Bangalore Traffic!

The Green Bangalore Plan

I wrote this article and sent it to unreal times, but then i spoke to an editor there and figured it would take a while before this post might make it to the page! Given the mayor of Bangalore has promised to close up the potholes after the monsoon, I decided i’d put the post here. This post is purely for poor humor purposes and its mostly nonsense

        Recent rains and inclement weather have rendered Bangalore’s roads untenable, most of the roads have been washed away and the growing traffic is just adding to the mess. When Karnataka Chief Minister Mr Siddaramiah was asked how he was going to react in the current situation, he seemed shocked that we even questioned and complained about the bad state of the roads. This response in turn shocked all the journalists at the venue and the Chief Minister stormed out of the room in disgust.
         In an exclusive interview to Unreal Times post his fury exit from the press meet, Mr Siddaramiah seemed a cool different man, he agreed to explain his behavior and wanted to apologize for his bhavior in front of the “Dumb” news crew. When asked to explain himself, he said that The bangalore roads are in a situation which was planned 4 years ago even before he became Chief Minister. He said,  “We are actually happy on how fast we have met the goal, we expected the roads to be in this condition in 2017 only, but I guess things have been good and we are way ahead of schedule.” This was an initiative to make Bangalore green he said, the pot holes on the roads were left to grow on purpose, they can now plant trees or small colorful plants based on the size and shape of the pothole. When asked what his agenda was for the “Stock Check” he was intending to make later today he said, it was basically to count the number of plants to import from France and Germany. He added that the plant imports were necessary to give a variation from the plants we find in India. Smaller pot holes would get Boganvilla, Jasmine and other flowering plants and trees, while the large holes would get a Banyan Tree sapling or a Neem tree to increase the fresh air flow when people are stuck in traffic jams. He adds that trees are the need for the hour and he wishes to give back to Bangaloreans what they once had, peace, calm and greenery!
       He went on to say that he has also made plans for making few more potholes in the road side so that they can fill up with water and everytime a motorist goes in it, the water would splash and water the nearby potholes with plants. This he says is his own genius at work and it would remove the need for water tankers to go around the city watering the plants. He feels that he needs to keep doing different things like this to remain the most favorite eleced leader of all time in Karnataka.
      Mr Siddaramiah is attending the global ecological changes summit in Davengere next week and has confirmed that the next regions in Karnataka to undergo what he calls the “Hole and Tree” concept of rejuvenating cities in the state would be Mysore, Mangalore and Whitefiled. His agenda would be to educate the rest of the country and eventually the world to adopt this technique at the convention. Major B-Schools of India including IIM-B and IIM-A have now added “Hole and Tree” as a management expertise and are offering PGD in this field. Not everyone is happy though, following the announcement by IIM-B the Dean of the school Mr Pankaj Chandra has stepped down.
      Cities like Mumbai and Delhi are planning to try this technique in a controlled locality to see how it works out for them. This might be the last yet most powerful move by Congress to continue their regime in India. Only time would say how “Green” thier prospect is in this country.